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I’m Just Going to Write…

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I am sitting here in my Utah apartment. It is 1:31 am and my eyes feel like they are about to shut at any moment now.

So, why an I still awake?

Why am I sitting here listening to the sound of my fingertips clonking down on the buttons of the keyboard?

Because, honestly, I simply enjoy writing…in this case typing.

There are times when there is so much going on in my head, that the sound of a fire truck passing by could not tune out my thoughts. I think about things all of the time. I’m not exactly sure that it’s a bad thing to think all of the time. 🙂 Still, the fact is that I do. I am always contemplating or analyzing or deciding…something.

Thus writing is a way to get all of those things that I am meditating on out of my head. It is a way to quiet the noise. I find it extremely relaxing. Even when I am not writing about anything in particular, but simply experiencing a stream of consciousness. I enjoy it. It is as the river of my thought flow that I feel as if I am taking in deep breaths of air…Selah

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Those are the moments when I feel God releasing me from the chains that have kept me bound, whatever chains they are…doesn’t matter. I feel His presence as I sit and I write…again…Selah

Yes, I had another moment and I absolutely loved it! To feel the words leaving my being and the presence of God all around me as I effortlessly do one of the things that I was created to do is splendid.

So, at 1:39 am, I have found my rest. I have taken a moment, well 7 of them, and experienced the peace of God in my life trough my writing.

I am glad that I decided to write.


Being Mom Blogs…

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When I wake up in the morning in Utah.  I still consider it to be a strange place.  Although I have lived here now for more than a couple of months, it still feels strange.  I haven’t exactly made friends and my life sometimes feels a little foreign.  These are the times when I really need to relate to someone else, another woman.  When I search for blogs that may allow me to connect with other women, I normally find ones that are so positive that they seem unreal.  I have been a mother for 10 years now and I know personally that everything isn’t always great.  No! They are not always horrible, but honestly it’s a wild roller coaster ride.

I originally started my blog with the intention of being honest about my life, but the more blogs I read by other mothers, the harder it became to be honest.  I really needed to do this, be honest.  Not for anyone else.  It was simply for me.  I was reading stories that sounded like the perfect pictures that accompanied their posts and I thought that my blog would stand out like a sore thumb in a way that I didn’t want it to.  I thought that I wouldn’t have any readers and that everyone would think that I was being extremely negative, when all I really wanted was an outlet to be honest and connect with other women like myself.

Well, that was a little over a year ago and now I need to blog more than ever.  My family’s life has changed in so many ways that sometimes its hard for all of us.  I normally enjoy writing and talking, but blogging is just different.  I know that my thoughts will be read and that someone may respond.  That is good for me because I want to converse about these things.  I just don’t always want to converse with my family, my mom, or  friends back home who just don’t understand.  I don’t want to post my every thought on Facebook for my mom and everyone else that I care about to see.  Yes, I know that my blog is public and that’s ok.  But the difference is that I’m not typing all of these things for the people that I know to read, I’m doing it for that same reason that a writer writes a book, because they have something to say and this is how they do it best.  This is a type of therapy for me and I know that other women feel the same.  So many blogs are created per day…blogging speaks for itself.

So, I have realized my needs and I have begun to look for blogs that are not overly negative, but that are realistic.  I want to read the stories of women like myself who don’t want to reveal all of their family problems, but who are not afraid of talking about somethings that are on their minds and in their hearts.  This morning I really needed this.  It was like being in group therapy.  Sometimes we as women, human beings, wives and mothers need to know that we are not alone.  I need to read, hear, or know, that I am not the only person dealing with anxiety in some areas of my life.  Yes, the Lord said that we should be anxious about anything, but as a human it’s hard and I strive to move past it, while I trust Him. I need to understand that I am not the only person dealing with relational issues with friends.  I need to grasp the fact that I’m not the only person that may not have a clean kitchen, right now.  I don’t want total negativity, but I do want realism.

I plan on cleaning my kitchen, making my relationships better, reading all of the books on my list, being the perfect mom and doing my best to be positive…but in the meantime, I’m going to give myself permission to feel and express what is really on my heart and mind.  If I don’t I may go crazy and nobody wants that. 🙂

So I have something to say to all of you moms out there that are being honest and still having integrity (allowing your family some privacy) on your blogs.  Thank you.  You help me accept myself as a woman.  You help me have the courage to be myself at all times.  You help me to see what reality is in my life.  You encourage me to be better as you strive to be better.  You encourage me not to fear the my emotions, but to realize that I feel them and find ways to deal with them.  You help me understand that no one is perfect.  Thank you so much for your courage, honesty, and the faith that you have in God to know that He will help you get through it all.

This is why I enjoy being a momblogger and reading other momblogs.

Until next time~


Friendships…Really?!

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I’m really not sure that I want to really do this, but I kinda feel like it, so I’m gonna do it.  I have read post of many women who have the courage to take what is in their hearts and express it on their blogs.  There are women who have come up with some really great names of their blogs that express the way that I feel about somethings.  I want to say that you all give me courage to take a moment and express myself, without fear.

Recently I moved from North Carolina to Utah.  Actually it was 10 months ago.  I used to have a circle of friends that I could count on.  We would call one another to check on each other regularly.  These women were Christian women and we has tons in common.  Prior to moving, I began to feel that our relationships were growing further and further apart.  Once I left those relationships became almost obsolete in my life.  Even the women that I just called once in a while to check on and they did the same, suddenly disappeared.  I really wasn’t expecting this to happen, but it did.

I moved out here to Utah, thinking that I would be able to make friends just like I did back home.  making friends has never been hard for me, until now.  I’m not sure what it is.  It could be that I’m a black woman and the percentage of African-Americans out here is about 1%.  Maybe they don’t know what to expect, but seriously I doubt that this is the problem.  I have spoken to a few women of other nationalities that say it’s hard to make friends out here as well.  (This is somethingI’m not used to.  I come from a very integrated area…race has never been an issue) So the difficulty has cause me to experience a bit of loneliness.  With all of my friends and family on the other side of the country, it has been pretty hard.  I have my husband and my children.  They keep me company, but I don’t want to put a strain on them.  I believe that there is a natural place in the life of a woman for relationships with other women.

Recently, I made, or thought I made a friend.  This has happened a couple of times out here.  I talk to women, we hang out, let our kids play, plan on going on family outings, and then something happens that cancels everything that we have discussed.  In the past I would look at situations like this and think that God knew that the relationship wouldn’t have been a healthy one, so He disconnected it.  This may still be the case, but the truth is that, it’s really hard.  I’ve been to a church and tried to make friends, but one of the women got offended by something that I said and…to make a long story short, I no longer go to the church nor do I think that we are friends.  I honestly think that no one meant any harm, but again…it hurts.

I am beginning to think that this is a time in my life that I am not going to be connected to anyone but my husband and children and that’s ok, but God is going to have to help me learn how to do this.  I have always had my mother or someone who I could visit and spend some time with doing things that women like to do.  Now those things have been limited to text messages, phone calls, and Facebook messages…that is whenever people are available.

I hope I’m not rambling. I am just finally saying what I have been thinking.  I have found that I began rambling in my conversations.  My friends would tell me that they had to go or would not answer the phone when I called.  They would text me a message that they would call me when they were able to talk.  That is completely understandable.  They have lives, husbands, children, and other obligations.  They just don’t understand that I’ve been holding in a lot waiting to talk to a girlfriend.  I’m in my house all day with my kids.  I can’t have these conversations with them.  More than this, they don’t understand that when they finally do call me whether it is to just say hi or to talk about an issue that they are having, I take time out of my schedule.  It has never been convenient to maintain relationships.  I have spent hours on the phone with them when they needed me, but now that I need it, where are they…WOW!!!  That’s the first time that I put this out there like that.  I’ve gotten text messages or calls from “friends” that needed me and I made myself available.  It would be nice if I could get the same.

Saying all of that I do realize that things may look one way to me, but may actually be another way.  I guess it just says a lot to me when I’m not getting any calls, texts, or Facebook messages from friends saying “Hey! Are you doing ok?” until they haven’t heard from me in weeks.  I used to check on people regularly.  I still love them, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to be a bother to anyone.  I have shown myself very friendly, if they want to remain friends, they know how to reach me.  I may call them to see how they are doing, but I probably won’t be talking too much…I don’t want to bore anyone or take up too much of their time.

I’m going to stop now.  This is me pouring out my heart…feeling like some tears will follow.

I have things to do, so I’m gonna get going.

New Feelings…

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I’m sitting here with my journal in front of me. I’m wondering if I want to write about what I’m experiencing right now. It isn’t anything horrible, but it isn’t great either. Do you ever have feelings about someone or something that you aren’t quite sure you want to share? I do. I have a very expressive personality, so I normally feel like finding some way of expressing my feelings and thoughts. In the midst of finding a way, I wonder. I wonder if I really want to share how I feel. Now, although I am currently blogging, I find that I don’t always want to. Its a little confusing. I look at the way that so many people are able to express their thoughts and feelings without any concern. I’m not like that. I am always thinking about what I said or wrote. I ask myself if it will be perceived as what it is. Although it may seem like it, I’m not as worried about what people think of me as I am about the truth being known. I don’t want to be seen one way if that is not the truth.

Now I know I am not responsible for the way that people perceive me, but I must admit…it is hard. The life of a mother is not easy. It isn’t the hardest thing in the world either. Being a mother and a wife add to the pressure of being a woman. When I say pressure, I am saying that the normal life of a mother and wife have a ton of different experiences attached to it. Add to that fact, being a student and a military wife. All of these things coupled together equal a balancing act that most people don’t have to deal with.

There are often a lot of things that I think of and want to blog about, but I am often not sure if I should. I ask myself how much my readers are supposed to know about me. I wonder how much they are supposed to know about my family. I guess the truth is that you can know as much as I tell you. There real question is, how much am I willing to share. This brings me back to my journal.

Today, I am experiencing some feelings that I have never felt before. I’m not quite sure how to deal with these feelings. I don’t really want to talk to any of my family or friends about the way that I’m feeling. I definitely don’t want to Facebook it either. Although I don’t really feel like writing about these feelings, I will. Not on this site, of course. I am going to journal and pray about it. I believe that by doing that, I will be able to grasp my feelings better. After grasping them, I hope to understand and deal with them. Then…I will blog about it.

I wonder how other people deal with their “new feelings?” How do bloggers deal with their emotions? How do writers find a balance between natural expression and writing? How do mothers and wives, with all of their exciting, heart breaking, loving, funny, embarrassing, emotional, eyeopening experiences find a balance between expressing themselves to the world and those around them while keeping things private. It gets kinda hard sometimes.

There are things that I want to share sometimes that I am not sure whether or not I should. Since I can’t decide half the time, I choose not to. Being in a new state offers tons of experiences to blog about, but sometimes I wonder. I ask myself how I would feel if those involved in the experience wanted to keep it private. I’ve had experiences with my neighbors, friends, family, and strangers, that I want to write about, but there is always the question of Netiquette.

Well, I may not have it all figured out, but I pray I will understand it all soon. Then maybe I will be able to talk about my feelings in more detail, but when I act or talk, I want it to be wise…

Until Next Time…