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On This Day

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Today is Thanksgiving…there is a lot to be thankful for. Like many people we will be sitting down to a table filled with food and saying that we are thankful for family and friends. There is another aspect of my Thanksgiving that I want to write about right now, my school work.

I am five days away from completing my degree. It was just a year ago that I was filling out my application to continue my education. Now here I am, just 5 days away from finishing. In four days the bulk of my work has to be submitted and then on Monday and Tuesday I have to submit a few papers. I am really excited, but it really just hit me. I’m not nervous, but this Thanksgiving will be very different for me. We are going to a friend of my husband’s house for Thanksgiving. The great thing is that I can focus on my work, we’ll kinda. I don’t want to be rude and I will definitely talk and have fun, but I’m bringing my books, my ipad, and my laptop.

I am praying that God would help me complete all of my work on time. I am really excited about closing this chapter of my life and moving on to the next. Last night, I had a dream that I was in a classroom with a bunch of other students. We were all working on a project and then the professor or teacher, announced that there was a job opening on the staff. They were looking for a new teacher/professor. I could feel myself get excited. I raised my hand, to let him know that I was interested. Before I could see what was happening, I woke up to the sound of Leo barking because he wanted to go outside. Got to love Leo. I do…

That was a really great dream. I am super excited! I know, I’ve said that already, but I am. I have been working on my degree for a long time. I’ve been back and forth between degrees as I worked on my double major. Then finally when we moved to Utah, I decided to simplify it into one degree. Now I am finished, well almost.

The amount of work that I have to do is a lot, but I am going to give it my all and finish it up. No procrastinating or waiting until the right moment to read or work on the papers. The time is now! Then I’ll get to eat some great food and meet some nice people. I do look forward to the activities of this day.

Real Friends

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Today I was  on the phone with a friend.  Not a person that just sits and listens, but a real friend that talks back.  She knows me.  She knows how I think and often times what I’m going to say.  She is married and a mother of multiple children, just like me.  She normally understands my struggles and my triumphs.  When we got off the phone, I was refreshed as always, when I speak to her.  Our conversation got me to thinking of what a real friend is.

There are a few things about her that I know are qualities of my other good friend…

They listen to me

They talk to me about the good and the bad

They call me on my mess because they love me and are honest

They pray for me

They tell me what the word of God says about my situation

They know when something is wrong and try to do something about it

They are trustworthy

Neither distance  nor time  separates us

Now this is not the full list of qualities of a real friend, but the truth is that with real friendships, both parties prosper. Real friends are those people who are willing to invest in you.  They invest whatever they have to give.  Even if the only thing they have is their heart. (And what a great investment…) When you are married, you husband knows who your real friends are…even if you don’t know yet.  I know my husband does.

I have felt alone at times, but I know it was for the purposes that God has planned ahead of time.  Those times have been for me to grow closer to Him and to grow as a woman, but I also know that my real friends have been sitting in the background praying for me.

Thank God for real friends…

Not Invited…

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There are times in life that we will have to make decisions.  We will have to take a stand and even say no.  With this we must understand that our opinions won’t always be accepted.  Everyone won’t want to be sour friends and sometimes we just won’t be invited to the party.

That being said, I am sitting here right now and I know that there is a birthday party/ semi-celebration taking place a couple of doors down.  My son found out and got upset.  I had to help him understand that we won’t always be invited.  What a hard lesson for a kid to learn.  Learning this is not easy.  As children, adults…people, we all want to get along with others.  We actually want the whole world to love us, but the reality is that some people won’t like us.  Some people won’t want to be around us.  Especially if we are upholding a standard.

Now that is something that we do.  There are a few issues that I have had to talk to this other mother about.  If I were anything like her, my children would be over there uninvited, but I’m not.  I am teaching my kids manners and it’s hard some times, but they are also learning to respect other people.

The truth is that I would rather be here in my house with my kids than in another’s house, that doesn’t believe the same things that we believe.  If we were there, I’m sure that my children would be exposed to things that are against God, our beliefs, and our lifestyles.  Life is just like that sometimes.  Sometimes things seem unfair, but it is the best thing for us.  This is what’s best for us…its ok, even good, that we’re not invited.

Being Mom Blogs…

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When I wake up in the morning in Utah.  I still consider it to be a strange place.  Although I have lived here now for more than a couple of months, it still feels strange.  I haven’t exactly made friends and my life sometimes feels a little foreign.  These are the times when I really need to relate to someone else, another woman.  When I search for blogs that may allow me to connect with other women, I normally find ones that are so positive that they seem unreal.  I have been a mother for 10 years now and I know personally that everything isn’t always great.  No! They are not always horrible, but honestly it’s a wild roller coaster ride.

I originally started my blog with the intention of being honest about my life, but the more blogs I read by other mothers, the harder it became to be honest.  I really needed to do this, be honest.  Not for anyone else.  It was simply for me.  I was reading stories that sounded like the perfect pictures that accompanied their posts and I thought that my blog would stand out like a sore thumb in a way that I didn’t want it to.  I thought that I wouldn’t have any readers and that everyone would think that I was being extremely negative, when all I really wanted was an outlet to be honest and connect with other women like myself.

Well, that was a little over a year ago and now I need to blog more than ever.  My family’s life has changed in so many ways that sometimes its hard for all of us.  I normally enjoy writing and talking, but blogging is just different.  I know that my thoughts will be read and that someone may respond.  That is good for me because I want to converse about these things.  I just don’t always want to converse with my family, my mom, or  friends back home who just don’t understand.  I don’t want to post my every thought on Facebook for my mom and everyone else that I care about to see.  Yes, I know that my blog is public and that’s ok.  But the difference is that I’m not typing all of these things for the people that I know to read, I’m doing it for that same reason that a writer writes a book, because they have something to say and this is how they do it best.  This is a type of therapy for me and I know that other women feel the same.  So many blogs are created per day…blogging speaks for itself.

So, I have realized my needs and I have begun to look for blogs that are not overly negative, but that are realistic.  I want to read the stories of women like myself who don’t want to reveal all of their family problems, but who are not afraid of talking about somethings that are on their minds and in their hearts.  This morning I really needed this.  It was like being in group therapy.  Sometimes we as women, human beings, wives and mothers need to know that we are not alone.  I need to read, hear, or know, that I am not the only person dealing with anxiety in some areas of my life.  Yes, the Lord said that we should be anxious about anything, but as a human it’s hard and I strive to move past it, while I trust Him. I need to understand that I am not the only person dealing with relational issues with friends.  I need to grasp the fact that I’m not the only person that may not have a clean kitchen, right now.  I don’t want total negativity, but I do want realism.

I plan on cleaning my kitchen, making my relationships better, reading all of the books on my list, being the perfect mom and doing my best to be positive…but in the meantime, I’m going to give myself permission to feel and express what is really on my heart and mind.  If I don’t I may go crazy and nobody wants that. 🙂

So I have something to say to all of you moms out there that are being honest and still having integrity (allowing your family some privacy) on your blogs.  Thank you.  You help me accept myself as a woman.  You help me have the courage to be myself at all times.  You help me to see what reality is in my life.  You encourage me to be better as you strive to be better.  You encourage me not to fear the my emotions, but to realize that I feel them and find ways to deal with them.  You help me understand that no one is perfect.  Thank you so much for your courage, honesty, and the faith that you have in God to know that He will help you get through it all.

This is why I enjoy being a momblogger and reading other momblogs.

Until next time~


Friendships…Really?!

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I’m really not sure that I want to really do this, but I kinda feel like it, so I’m gonna do it.  I have read post of many women who have the courage to take what is in their hearts and express it on their blogs.  There are women who have come up with some really great names of their blogs that express the way that I feel about somethings.  I want to say that you all give me courage to take a moment and express myself, without fear.

Recently I moved from North Carolina to Utah.  Actually it was 10 months ago.  I used to have a circle of friends that I could count on.  We would call one another to check on each other regularly.  These women were Christian women and we has tons in common.  Prior to moving, I began to feel that our relationships were growing further and further apart.  Once I left those relationships became almost obsolete in my life.  Even the women that I just called once in a while to check on and they did the same, suddenly disappeared.  I really wasn’t expecting this to happen, but it did.

I moved out here to Utah, thinking that I would be able to make friends just like I did back home.  making friends has never been hard for me, until now.  I’m not sure what it is.  It could be that I’m a black woman and the percentage of African-Americans out here is about 1%.  Maybe they don’t know what to expect, but seriously I doubt that this is the problem.  I have spoken to a few women of other nationalities that say it’s hard to make friends out here as well.  (This is somethingI’m not used to.  I come from a very integrated area…race has never been an issue) So the difficulty has cause me to experience a bit of loneliness.  With all of my friends and family on the other side of the country, it has been pretty hard.  I have my husband and my children.  They keep me company, but I don’t want to put a strain on them.  I believe that there is a natural place in the life of a woman for relationships with other women.

Recently, I made, or thought I made a friend.  This has happened a couple of times out here.  I talk to women, we hang out, let our kids play, plan on going on family outings, and then something happens that cancels everything that we have discussed.  In the past I would look at situations like this and think that God knew that the relationship wouldn’t have been a healthy one, so He disconnected it.  This may still be the case, but the truth is that, it’s really hard.  I’ve been to a church and tried to make friends, but one of the women got offended by something that I said and…to make a long story short, I no longer go to the church nor do I think that we are friends.  I honestly think that no one meant any harm, but again…it hurts.

I am beginning to think that this is a time in my life that I am not going to be connected to anyone but my husband and children and that’s ok, but God is going to have to help me learn how to do this.  I have always had my mother or someone who I could visit and spend some time with doing things that women like to do.  Now those things have been limited to text messages, phone calls, and Facebook messages…that is whenever people are available.

I hope I’m not rambling. I am just finally saying what I have been thinking.  I have found that I began rambling in my conversations.  My friends would tell me that they had to go or would not answer the phone when I called.  They would text me a message that they would call me when they were able to talk.  That is completely understandable.  They have lives, husbands, children, and other obligations.  They just don’t understand that I’ve been holding in a lot waiting to talk to a girlfriend.  I’m in my house all day with my kids.  I can’t have these conversations with them.  More than this, they don’t understand that when they finally do call me whether it is to just say hi or to talk about an issue that they are having, I take time out of my schedule.  It has never been convenient to maintain relationships.  I have spent hours on the phone with them when they needed me, but now that I need it, where are they…WOW!!!  That’s the first time that I put this out there like that.  I’ve gotten text messages or calls from “friends” that needed me and I made myself available.  It would be nice if I could get the same.

Saying all of that I do realize that things may look one way to me, but may actually be another way.  I guess it just says a lot to me when I’m not getting any calls, texts, or Facebook messages from friends saying “Hey! Are you doing ok?” until they haven’t heard from me in weeks.  I used to check on people regularly.  I still love them, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to be a bother to anyone.  I have shown myself very friendly, if they want to remain friends, they know how to reach me.  I may call them to see how they are doing, but I probably won’t be talking too much…I don’t want to bore anyone or take up too much of their time.

I’m going to stop now.  This is me pouring out my heart…feeling like some tears will follow.

I have things to do, so I’m gonna get going.

I’m Feeling…

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This morning I woke up and I smiled. As I ironed my sons clothes for school and thought about my day, I just smiled more. My husband asked me why I was smiling so big. At first I wasn’t sure. Then I realized it was because my daughter had slept all night. She didn’t get up one time to ask me to put the blanket on her. She didn’t wake up to ask me about her favorite Violet. Since she slept all night, so did I. Not only did she sleep all night, but she didn’t wake me up either. I am so thankful. A full night of rest has done my body good.

In the past I would wake up tired and moody. Not getting enough rest was really taking a tole on my body, so I began to pray and ask God for some help. I just could not figure out how to get her to go to sleep peacefully, stay asleep soundly, and wake up joyfully. It turns out, that was not my job. It was God’s and I am so glad that he did it. I just stuck to the sam routine that I have always done with her and he did the rest.

Rest…the body needs rest. It cannot function properly without it. I would stay up all night and wake up early and wonder why I was moody. Yes, honestly, I was moody. Last night I went to bed early. I had already completed my school work and didn’t need to stay up all night. Now I am able to take some time today to have fun with my kids.

We are going on a nice picnic with some other moms. I have never met them. They are a part of a mom’s group that my neighbor goes to. She invited me out and since I got all of my work done, why not. It should be fun. I am a little nervous about meet the mothers in the mom group. It has been a while since I was introduced to a whole new group of women who already knew each other. I used to attend the mops group back home. I miss some of my friends, but I’m sure that this is good for me.

My birthday and Valentines day are just around the corner. This is always an exciting time for me. I get to start a new year of my life. This is when I normally reflect on the past year of my life. I am so thankful for all that God has blessed me with. He has given me a wonderful husband, great children, awesome family and friends. Not only that, but there is nothing that I honestly have to want for. He provides everything that I need and want. I serve an awesome God. I just really enjoy this time of year because it is a very happy loving time when we all show each other how much we care for one another. I’m not only looking forward to a great weekend, but a great two weeks. Next weekend, we are taking our kids to see the Fresh Beat Band. It should be cool. We all really enjoy the t.v show. They have been waiting weeks to go and I am excited about taking time away where I don’t have to cook or clean. I can just relax and enjoy the scenery.

The other day I received some roses from my father in-law. It was really sweet, but the best part is that he is overseas and thought about me and my daughter. He sent me roses from FTD and my daughter got a teddy bear, that she just loves. This is what I mean. It is the time of year when we all just show each other some love. My kids are even looking forward to the chocolate candy and cards that they are going to get. Love is so exciting…

Wow! I feel GREAT!!!

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