I’m really not sure that I want to really do this, but I kinda feel like it, so I’m gonna do it. I have read post of many women who have the courage to take what is in their hearts and express it on their blogs. There are women who have come up with some really great names of their blogs that express the way that I feel about somethings. I want to say that you all give me courage to take a moment and express myself, without fear.
Recently I moved from North Carolina to Utah. Actually it was 10 months ago. I used to have a circle of friends that I could count on. We would call one another to check on each other regularly. These women were Christian women and we has tons in common. Prior to moving, I began to feel that our relationships were growing further and further apart. Once I left those relationships became almost obsolete in my life. Even the women that I just called once in a while to check on and they did the same, suddenly disappeared. I really wasn’t expecting this to happen, but it did.
I moved out here to Utah, thinking that I would be able to make friends just like I did back home. making friends has never been hard for me, until now. I’m not sure what it is. It could be that I’m a black woman and the percentage of African-Americans out here is about 1%. Maybe they don’t know what to expect, but seriously I doubt that this is the problem. I have spoken to a few women of other nationalities that say it’s hard to make friends out here as well. (This is somethingI’m not used to. I come from a very integrated area…race has never been an issue) So the difficulty has cause me to experience a bit of loneliness. With all of my friends and family on the other side of the country, it has been pretty hard. I have my husband and my children. They keep me company, but I don’t want to put a strain on them. I believe that there is a natural place in the life of a woman for relationships with other women.
Recently, I made, or thought I made a friend. This has happened a couple of times out here. I talk to women, we hang out, let our kids play, plan on going on family outings, and then something happens that cancels everything that we have discussed. In the past I would look at situations like this and think that God knew that the relationship wouldn’t have been a healthy one, so He disconnected it. This may still be the case, but the truth is that, it’s really hard. I’ve been to a church and tried to make friends, but one of the women got offended by something that I said and…to make a long story short, I no longer go to the church nor do I think that we are friends. I honestly think that no one meant any harm, but again…it hurts.
I am beginning to think that this is a time in my life that I am not going to be connected to anyone but my husband and children and that’s ok, but God is going to have to help me learn how to do this. I have always had my mother or someone who I could visit and spend some time with doing things that women like to do. Now those things have been limited to text messages, phone calls, and Facebook messages…that is whenever people are available.
I hope I’m not rambling. I am just finally saying what I have been thinking. I have found that I began rambling in my conversations. My friends would tell me that they had to go or would not answer the phone when I called. They would text me a message that they would call me when they were able to talk. That is completely understandable. They have lives, husbands, children, and other obligations. They just don’t understand that I’ve been holding in a lot waiting to talk to a girlfriend. I’m in my house all day with my kids. I can’t have these conversations with them. More than this, they don’t understand that when they finally do call me whether it is to just say hi or to talk about an issue that they are having, I take time out of my schedule. It has never been convenient to maintain relationships. I have spent hours on the phone with them when they needed me, but now that I need it, where are they…WOW!!! That’s the first time that I put this out there like that. I’ve gotten text messages or calls from “friends” that needed me and I made myself available. It would be nice if I could get the same.
Saying all of that I do realize that things may look one way to me, but may actually be another way. I guess it just says a lot to me when I’m not getting any calls, texts, or Facebook messages from friends saying “Hey! Are you doing ok?” until they haven’t heard from me in weeks. I used to check on people regularly. I still love them, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to be a bother to anyone. I have shown myself very friendly, if they want to remain friends, they know how to reach me. I may call them to see how they are doing, but I probably won’t be talking too much…I don’t want to bore anyone or take up too much of their time.
I’m going to stop now. This is me pouring out my heart…feeling like some tears will follow.
I have things to do, so I’m gonna get going.
Hi, stopping by from Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out. I found your post very interesting, because I also live in Utah and also find it very difficult to make friends here. Before I lived here I lived in Idaho, which is somewhat different, but also the same, as far as the culture goes. Lately I’ve been curious if it is different in other states, to make friends. I think people are nice here, but for whatever reason, it has been hard to make friends for me too, so know that you are not alone! Thanks for being willing to share. It makes me feel like I’m not the only one! 🙂
Small world, huh?! I’m glad I’m not the only person that feels the was that I do here. Well, kinda. That’s a bit of a weird thing to be glad about. I guess I’m saying I don’t feel alone anymore, in this. Do you get what I’m saying? Hopefully after living here for a while, I will begin to have different experiences. I hope that you are able to build some great relationships out here soon. It’s not easy feeling alone. Thanks for coming by and commenting.
I really related to this post. I experienced something similar when I had my daughter. None of my friends had kids. None of my relatives had babies. And now all of a sudden I did. I tried my best to be there for them like I was before but my life had changed so drastically that I couldn’t be available at the drop of a hat. They didn’t / couldn’t get where I was coming from and it became, “you never go out any more,” “you never return my calls,” “you’re welcome to come but your daughter is not,” “you’re not there for me like you used to be,” “all this new parent stuff you keep wanting to talk about sounds crazy are you sure you’re not overreacting / doing it wrong / just in need of a vacation,” “things will be fine as long as you behave exactly as you did when you were childless.”
It was a really lonely, confusing, and isolating time for me because everything was different for me but everything was business as usual for them. I came to realize that, while I would always care about them and they weren’t trying to be jerks or anything, they just couldn’t be the support system I needed. So I had to start building another one. And making new friends and building a new support system as an adult is freaking HARD. It took a lot of time and definitely had its moments of awkwardness. But now I feel like I’m back on an even keel.
A blessing that came out of that time was discovering new ways to take care of myself. I joined classes and groups to get the interpersonal interaction but I also started writing a lot more, running, praying, reading, and re-connecting with my husband on more of a friends level. It makes me feel good to know that in times of crisis I now know I have many different kinds of supports to fall back on, not just my pre-kid friends.
So I hear ya! It’s got to be rough for you right now figuring out a circle of friends and support network in a new town with a big life change. But hang in there! Keep trying! You’ll make it work!
Wow!!! I know what you mean. I have experienced something like this before. I’m sorry that you had to endure such a thing. It’s hard when your life changes and everyone else’s remains the same. We have to grow and sometimes that means that we grow apart. I am thankful that you were blessed through the situation. I can see that happening for myself. My family and I started bike riding. I do things for myself that I wouldn’t before. And as you have said, my husband and I are becoming closer that we have ever been. This isn’t such a bad time, it’s just different and at times it hurts. Thanks for coming by and commenting.
I know how you feel. My family has had to move several times for my husband’s job, and it’s not easy. I think as moms we worry first about our children finding friends and fitting in, and only after that do we worry about ourselves. It is much harder to make friends as we get older, especially if you live someplace where most people who live there grew up there. I think friendships also function a bit differently as we get older. My husband is my real best friend, who I pour my heart out to. My mom friends and I help each other cope with the everyday realities of raising kids. I hope you find some new girlfriends soon!
Thanks Patricia. I feel the same way about relationships, to a degree. My husband is my best friend, but he’s not my best girlfriend. I agree with you about mom friends. They have a specific purpose in my life, but they each, mom friends, friends, and my husband all work together to help me be better and live my best, whatever that means at the moment. 🙂 I just think that there is a specific place for every relationship that I have. You know, I never even thought about making friends myself. I was just worried about my kids. One morning I woke up and realized it was important to me as well. Funny huh?! Thanks for stopping by and commenting…
It is very hard moving to a new place & trying to make friends especially once you have kids that you’re home with all day. Have you looked into joining a MOPS group or MOMS Club? If you Google those you might be able to find something in your area. Good luck!
Yes it is. I have looked for a MOPs, but Utah is a very highly populated Mormon state. It is hard to find them. I’ve tried a MOM’s group…It was a little weird. I’m just going to have to take my time and get to know some women. Thanks for your suggestions.
It’s so hard to find friends after a move. I see someone suggested MOPS. That’s good, but so are groups on meetup.com. I joined a few moms groups through those!
I’ll look into it a bit more. I wen’t to a meet up mom’s group and it was a bit, different. I think it’s because things are very different in Utah than they are in many other states. That’s the best way to put it.