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On Matters of the Heart: The One Who Hurts

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Last time that we discussed hurt, we took a look at the person who is hurt.  We looked at what needs to be done in order to move forward from a place of being hurt.  We discussed boundaries and the need for wise Counsel, as you are moving from the place of being hurt and offended to being free and forgiving.

Today, I want to take a look and the other side of that hurt coin.  The one who hurts.

Now, if you have experienced being hurt and have not, whether you tried to or not, dealt with it in the proper manner, the pain of the hurt was able to seep into our heart.  If this happened you allowed bitterness and anger to become wedged within the chambers of your heart.  If this is true, you may have found that your actions, words, and even your thoughts have begun to change.

The truth is that we are all, in many ways, a product of our environment.  The things, situations, and people that interact with us on a daily basis or even on an occurrence, have an opportunity to plant seed in to our hearts that can quickly take root. I believe that this is why God tells us in His word to guard our hearts with all diligence,  (Proverbs 4:23) for out of it flows the issues of life.  He didn’t say that out of it will flow all of the great dreams of our lives.  No, He said that our issues would come out of our hearts.

Not only will our issues come our of our hearts, but if there is goodness within us that will come out.  Yet, if there is evil within us, that will come out too. When we are dealing with or have buried pain from hurtful situations, issues… they will also come out of our mouths.

For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45)

If you take a moment to think about it, it is not only our actions that hurt people, but it is often our words, as well.  We speak damaging words to other people, without even realizing that what we have said has the capacity to destroy them, in many ways.  If we were to view things from God’s eyes, we would see that our tongues are swords, cutting others on the way in and on the way out.  Leave it to a heart that is hurting and the target will not only be broken, but demolished.  If you can recognize yourself in these words, I want to tell you that you are not alone.  It is just a sign that you are hurt.

Why?

Well, you’ve heard this before, but it’s really true.  Hurt people, hurt people.

They do it unknowingly, most of the time.  It starts with the pain that is within them and needs to be let go of, but because of unforgiveness, the hurt turns in to a weapon.  In many ways, the hurt person is simply trying to protect herself from other forms of hurt, without realizing that the chosen weapon of protection is not a shield, but a sword.  This is when problems arise.

If you have found yourself in this place, let me tell you that you don’t have to stay here.  Perhaps you have been hurting people, unawares.  Maybe you aren’t even to the place of hurting people yet.  You are just thinking thoughts, that if they came out of your mouth or would be acted upon, would hurt someone.  If this is you, please, please keep reading.

The first thing to do is to declare that you will be honest with yourself and with God, no matter what you find out about yourself.

The second thing to do is to ask for forgiveness.  You are asking forgiveness for hurting others.  Next, forgive.  Forgive yourself and the person/people that hurt you.  You may have to go back to the situation and think about what happened.  You may have to journal it and hash it out, but you need to get to the root of your problem, so that forgiveness can happen.  Finally, you have to commit to renewing your mind and being a doer of the word.

God wants to bring about a change in your life, but He will not force His goodness upon your life, if you are not interested in having it.  When you are a person that hurts others, you know that it comes from your past.  It comes from your own brokenness.  It comes from fear.  It comes from desiring control.  You have to be willing to let these things go in order to be set free.

If you are reading this, and don’t quite understand this position, God bless you.  However, I honestly believe that we have all been in a place like this, at one point in out lives or another.  Maybe you could not recognize it, when in it.  Maybe you did.  We are all different, but I truly believe that we are all similar in this.  None of us, really want to remain in this place.

So, what’s next?

Well, I suggest that you pray.

  1. Pray for the person that hurt you and pray for yourself.(Luke 6:28)
  2. Trust God to fight your battles.(Romans 12:19)
  3. Renew your mind daily. (Romans 12:2)
  4. Practice what you read and don’t just read it.(James 1:22)

If you do this things, you will move from the place that you are in now, to the place where you desire to be, free from the pain and free to love.

When It Seems Easier To Pretend

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There is a saying that goes something like this, “when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade…”  Have you ever heard of it?  I’m sure that you have.

That sounds like a great saying, but have you ever wondered what is going on between the receiving of the lemons and the making of the lemonade?  Well I have.

I have wondered what the person is thinking and feeling. I have also wondered when it becomes clear that it is time to make some lemonade.

While dealing with these thoughts, it may be hard to focus on the good, to wait for things to get better, or to even know how to feel.  At times like this, I think it might seem easier to pretend.

Upset and frustrated, I have often looked at a situation without knowing what to do or how I was supposed to feel.

Naturally, I am an optimist.  Still there are times when I cannot see the bright side and I feel lost. It is at these times that I start to wonder if it would just be easier to pretend that I am not going through anything at all.

Have you ever felt like that?

Pretending means that you get to ignore the situation.  You don’t have to talk about it, think about it, or acknowledge anything is happening at all.  However, this does not magically stop us from feeling the stress and emotions of the situation.  In fact, I think it would make it worse.

By pretending, we would be telling ourselves that the situation did not occur the way that it did.  We would also be denying ourselves the right to feel the way we do about what occurred.  Denying ourselves of our emotions is not wise because acknowledging our feelings allows us to process situations.  Processing the situations, stimulates growth in our lives.

There have been many times when I have wanted to stop thinking about a situation.  I have wished that it never happened.  I have also tried to ignore my feelings about it all.  The result is…well ugly.

When I have tried this in the past, I have become very nonchalant and emotionless about various aspects of my life.  It is as if ignoring the situation allowed a totally different process to start in my life…I became cold and despondent.

Generally, that is not me.  I care, I feel, I wonder.  Yet, ignoring situations and my feelings about situations change me.

When I allow myself to see the situation, no matter how painful, I feel the emotions attached to it;  when I feel those emotions, I process them.  In processing them, I begin to learn from the situation.  Learning from situations offers wisdom and helps me to trust in God.

I used to ask why God would allow me to go through somethings.  I could not see with my eyes, why He would, in all of His infinite wisdom, allow me to endure such situations.  It wasn’t until I read Romans 5:3-5

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

I realized that the tribulations, no matter how big or small, make me better.  They encourage me to a place of being better and hoping in God more.

Now do you see why it is never good to pretend.  We don’t have to treat others badly and act in a way that is unbecoming, but we should recognize the tribulation and allow the process of feeling, becoming, and overcoming to take place in our lives.

Today, I want to encourage you, as I have been encouraged myself.  We have been given some lemons and it’s time to make some lemonade.

Sometimes, you may not know how to feel, what to think, or how to act, but continue to trust God.  He knew what would happen and He has something great prepared for you in the end.  Recognize how the tribulation produces perseverance in you.  Take note of how the perseverance produces character in you.  Understand how the character produces hope in you.  When it is all said and done, look back and see how you are better and the hope that you have in God has not failed you.  Remember that it never will.

I hope you have found this helpful and that you will remember these things.

When life gives you lemons, make some lemonade…

Until next time…don’t pretend and be blessed.

On Matters of the Heart: The One Who is Hurt

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In all of my years upon this earth, I have come to learn a few things on matters of the heart.  Today I am going to discuss hurt.

 

It may seem like a very broad topic, but hurt, when it comes to matters of the heart is like a double-sided coin.  You just can’t win.

If you have been living for longer than 5 years upon this earth, which I suspect that you have, if you are reading this, you have either hurt someone else or have been hurt by someone.

Life is a mixture of sunshine and rain, tear drops and laughter, pleasure and pain. Just remember, there was never a cloud that the sun couldn’t shine through. ~Unknown

I set this quote here because I am going to talk about this topic of hurt and it is no easy feat.  However, I think it is important to remember that it won’t last forever, no matter which side of the equation you are on.

Alright…now let’s get into it.

When it  comes to this heart thing it is either hurt or be hurt…wait! Let me explain.

I am not saying this as a thing that should be done; you either hurt someone else or you get hurt.

Nor am I saying that you have to make a choice, right now, about which person you should be.

No!

I am saying this as an observation; I want you to think on this, as I explain.

Throughout the duration of a having a personal relationship with anyone upon this earth, there will come a time where either you or the other person will become offended.  This is inevitable.  Even Jesus said that it would happen. “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come!” Luke 17:1

Did you catch that?

He said that it is impossible that no offenses should come, so the first position that I would like to deal with is the one whom the offense has come to.

The One Who is Hurt

Hurt…hurt comes.  It comes in different fashions and forms.  It can look many different ways and be very unexpected.  There are even times when you can see it coming and attempt to protect yourself, but somehow, it still makes its way to your heart.

If you have ever been hurt, you know that there is a blow to the heart that reminds you that you are more that flesh and bone.  I say this because it is not a physical pain that we feel when we are hurt, but instead it is one that goes beyond the physical realm and hits our emotions.

When you are hurt, you can feel like you have done something wrong; you could feel rejected, confused, and even angered by the pain that someone else has caused you.

Yet, in the midst of all that you are experiencing you have a choice to make.

What are you going to do?

Various choices can begin to come to your mind.  While some options may involve retaliation, I urge you not to make those choices.

Yes, I understand that there is only so much that a heart can take and you may feel that you have taken enough, but let me tell you, there is nothing that you will ever do that will not produce some sort of fruit, whether good or bad, that you will not have to eat some day.  You will reap what you sow.

Do you want the fruit of hurting another in retaliation?

Hopefully you answered wisely and said no.

So what is it that you are supposed to do? Nothing?

Now I am not suggesting that you do nothing.  Instead I am suggesting that you not be quick to anger or quick to act; Don’t be quick to speak either, for that matter. (Ecclesiastics 7:9; James 1:19)

Take a moment, whether in a heated discussion or in the privacy of your own thoughts, to take wise Counsel with God.  He is near to you, if you draw near to Him, in any moment that you desire and He will give you wisdom on how to act. (James 4:8; James 1:5)

Once you have taken a moment, realize that your actions are very important from here on out.  We teach people how to treat us, by how we allow them to treat us and by how we treat others.

If a person has hurt you, it is imperative that you first realize the importance of setting some boundaries.

What has this person said or done, or the lack there of, that has caused you to be hurt.

*STOP!!! YOU ARE NOT MAKING YOURSELF PROMISES AT THIS POINT!* Don’t say things like I will never allow you to hurt me in that way again. 

Making yourself promises is not what I am encouraging you to do.

What I am encouraging you to do is to set up some boundaries.

See it

Let’s pause for a moment to get a visual…

Two neighbors live with open fields.  They are friends and they often travel to one another’s houses for fun, festivities, and personal conversation.  Crossing the property line has never been a problem.  However, both of these families have dogs.  When the families cross the property line the dogs have gone with them, in the past.  Yet on occasion, when there friends are not going to one another’s houses, the dogs cross the boundary line anyway.  One family has a garden in the back yard.  The other family has a family play set and activities set up in their back yard.  When the neighbor’s dog crosses the property line, it often leave its mark.  It goes to the bathroom, rummages through the garden, or bites & scratches up the family play set.  Both families have noticed the problem.  Without  allowing the emotions of being upset to get to them, they simply decide that there is a need for a fence to be placed between the two homes.  The dogs have no ill intent, they are just being dogs.  Yet there is a need to set a boundary for the dogs, so that each yard can remain as the families would like it to.  Each family takes the necessary steps to set this up as they, each, see necessary. Once the fence is set up, the dogs remain where the owners have left them, the yards remain intact, and the families continue to grow in their relationship together.

Getting an understanding

Did you get the visual?  I hope so…

Did you get what you need to do? I hope so…

You need to decide what the fence is that will allow you to keep your property in tact.

Now, fences are not walls.  They are fences that simply say to other people, this is my property and I would like you to respect my property line.  Your dogs are not allowed to go rummaging in my yard; nor can they tear up my family play set.

This is not an easy task, but it is one that needs to be done in order for you to remain unoffended.

The offenses will come, but you have to decide how to handle them.

Making the right choice

There will be many options for you, but I suggest that you take time for yourself, so that you can get a grip of how you are feeling and seek God, to know what you need to do.

Just don’t make any rash decisions.  Choose not to accept the offense as it is, but instead to reevaluate why you are hurt and how you can not be offended.  There will be times when you can see why you are hurt, but cannot see how it is that you cannot be offended.  When this happens, you have another option, just forgive.  If you have to, forgive yourself for anything that your feel responsible for.  Then forgive the person, so that you can move on.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting.  Nor does not forgetting mean always rehashing the painful events.  Instead it means that you learn from the experience and see how things can work out better next time.

Side Note:  Sometimes God allows us to see the character of people.  When you see it, pray, and act in a way that honors God, is wise, and is confirmed in your conscience.  Pray for the other person because hurt people hurt people.

It is my prayer for you that in the midst of all that you are feeling and experiencing, you would have peace through seeking God and acting in a way that glorifies Him.
Things happen in life, but remember there is no cloud that the sun cannot shine through…more importantly, there is no situation that God cannot fix.  We just have to trust Him in it.