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On Matters of the Heart: The One Who Hurts

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Last time that we discussed hurt, we took a look at the person who is hurt.  We looked at what needs to be done in order to move forward from a place of being hurt.  We discussed boundaries and the need for wise Counsel, as you are moving from the place of being hurt and offended to being free and forgiving.

Today, I want to take a look and the other side of that hurt coin.  The one who hurts.

Now, if you have experienced being hurt and have not, whether you tried to or not, dealt with it in the proper manner, the pain of the hurt was able to seep into our heart.  If this happened you allowed bitterness and anger to become wedged within the chambers of your heart.  If this is true, you may have found that your actions, words, and even your thoughts have begun to change.

The truth is that we are all, in many ways, a product of our environment.  The things, situations, and people that interact with us on a daily basis or even on an occurrence, have an opportunity to plant seed in to our hearts that can quickly take root. I believe that this is why God tells us in His word to guard our hearts with all diligence,  (Proverbs 4:23) for out of it flows the issues of life.  He didn’t say that out of it will flow all of the great dreams of our lives.  No, He said that our issues would come out of our hearts.

Not only will our issues come our of our hearts, but if there is goodness within us that will come out.  Yet, if there is evil within us, that will come out too. When we are dealing with or have buried pain from hurtful situations, issues… they will also come out of our mouths.

For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45)

If you take a moment to think about it, it is not only our actions that hurt people, but it is often our words, as well.  We speak damaging words to other people, without even realizing that what we have said has the capacity to destroy them, in many ways.  If we were to view things from God’s eyes, we would see that our tongues are swords, cutting others on the way in and on the way out.  Leave it to a heart that is hurting and the target will not only be broken, but demolished.  If you can recognize yourself in these words, I want to tell you that you are not alone.  It is just a sign that you are hurt.

Why?

Well, you’ve heard this before, but it’s really true.  Hurt people, hurt people.

They do it unknowingly, most of the time.  It starts with the pain that is within them and needs to be let go of, but because of unforgiveness, the hurt turns in to a weapon.  In many ways, the hurt person is simply trying to protect herself from other forms of hurt, without realizing that the chosen weapon of protection is not a shield, but a sword.  This is when problems arise.

If you have found yourself in this place, let me tell you that you don’t have to stay here.  Perhaps you have been hurting people, unawares.  Maybe you aren’t even to the place of hurting people yet.  You are just thinking thoughts, that if they came out of your mouth or would be acted upon, would hurt someone.  If this is you, please, please keep reading.

The first thing to do is to declare that you will be honest with yourself and with God, no matter what you find out about yourself.

The second thing to do is to ask for forgiveness.  You are asking forgiveness for hurting others.  Next, forgive.  Forgive yourself and the person/people that hurt you.  You may have to go back to the situation and think about what happened.  You may have to journal it and hash it out, but you need to get to the root of your problem, so that forgiveness can happen.  Finally, you have to commit to renewing your mind and being a doer of the word.

God wants to bring about a change in your life, but He will not force His goodness upon your life, if you are not interested in having it.  When you are a person that hurts others, you know that it comes from your past.  It comes from your own brokenness.  It comes from fear.  It comes from desiring control.  You have to be willing to let these things go in order to be set free.

If you are reading this, and don’t quite understand this position, God bless you.  However, I honestly believe that we have all been in a place like this, at one point in out lives or another.  Maybe you could not recognize it, when in it.  Maybe you did.  We are all different, but I truly believe that we are all similar in this.  None of us, really want to remain in this place.

So, what’s next?

Well, I suggest that you pray.

  1. Pray for the person that hurt you and pray for yourself.(Luke 6:28)
  2. Trust God to fight your battles.(Romans 12:19)
  3. Renew your mind daily. (Romans 12:2)
  4. Practice what you read and don’t just read it.(James 1:22)

If you do this things, you will move from the place that you are in now, to the place where you desire to be, free from the pain and free to love.

When It Seems Easier To Pretend

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There is a saying that goes something like this, “when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade…”  Have you ever heard of it?  I’m sure that you have.

That sounds like a great saying, but have you ever wondered what is going on between the receiving of the lemons and the making of the lemonade?  Well I have.

I have wondered what the person is thinking and feeling. I have also wondered when it becomes clear that it is time to make some lemonade.

While dealing with these thoughts, it may be hard to focus on the good, to wait for things to get better, or to even know how to feel.  At times like this, I think it might seem easier to pretend.

Upset and frustrated, I have often looked at a situation without knowing what to do or how I was supposed to feel.

Naturally, I am an optimist.  Still there are times when I cannot see the bright side and I feel lost. It is at these times that I start to wonder if it would just be easier to pretend that I am not going through anything at all.

Have you ever felt like that?

Pretending means that you get to ignore the situation.  You don’t have to talk about it, think about it, or acknowledge anything is happening at all.  However, this does not magically stop us from feeling the stress and emotions of the situation.  In fact, I think it would make it worse.

By pretending, we would be telling ourselves that the situation did not occur the way that it did.  We would also be denying ourselves the right to feel the way we do about what occurred.  Denying ourselves of our emotions is not wise because acknowledging our feelings allows us to process situations.  Processing the situations, stimulates growth in our lives.

There have been many times when I have wanted to stop thinking about a situation.  I have wished that it never happened.  I have also tried to ignore my feelings about it all.  The result is…well ugly.

When I have tried this in the past, I have become very nonchalant and emotionless about various aspects of my life.  It is as if ignoring the situation allowed a totally different process to start in my life…I became cold and despondent.

Generally, that is not me.  I care, I feel, I wonder.  Yet, ignoring situations and my feelings about situations change me.

When I allow myself to see the situation, no matter how painful, I feel the emotions attached to it;  when I feel those emotions, I process them.  In processing them, I begin to learn from the situation.  Learning from situations offers wisdom and helps me to trust in God.

I used to ask why God would allow me to go through somethings.  I could not see with my eyes, why He would, in all of His infinite wisdom, allow me to endure such situations.  It wasn’t until I read Romans 5:3-5

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

I realized that the tribulations, no matter how big or small, make me better.  They encourage me to a place of being better and hoping in God more.

Now do you see why it is never good to pretend.  We don’t have to treat others badly and act in a way that is unbecoming, but we should recognize the tribulation and allow the process of feeling, becoming, and overcoming to take place in our lives.

Today, I want to encourage you, as I have been encouraged myself.  We have been given some lemons and it’s time to make some lemonade.

Sometimes, you may not know how to feel, what to think, or how to act, but continue to trust God.  He knew what would happen and He has something great prepared for you in the end.  Recognize how the tribulation produces perseverance in you.  Take note of how the perseverance produces character in you.  Understand how the character produces hope in you.  When it is all said and done, look back and see how you are better and the hope that you have in God has not failed you.  Remember that it never will.

I hope you have found this helpful and that you will remember these things.

When life gives you lemons, make some lemonade…

Until next time…don’t pretend and be blessed.

Overcoming Rejection

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There are times in life where we may feel rejected by family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, children, and even God. This is a feeling that so many people experience, but what we have to learn is how to overcome the rejection that we feel. It isn’t easy but its something that we have to do in order for us to live a healthy, happy life and to have good, healthy, happy relationships as well.

When rejection is something that a person normally faces, there is a tendecy for that same individual to expect rejecition in life. Actions of other people become signals that rejection is on its way. This feeling can also lead to fear of expression, openess, and honesty. A person doe snot fear these things alone, instead they fear the reproccusions of the things…rejection. If this is the truth, what is a person in this situation supposed to do?

After recognizing that this is an issue and the effects that it has on their life, the person must decide whether or not they are going to be committed to themself in overcoming the fear of rejection or even dealing rejection itself. See, this person has to say “overcoming this fear isn’t about anyone else, except me.” They must ask themself if they are willing to go through the process of overcoming. Are they willing to head to head in a boxing match with the challenges that they are going to face ahead? Are they commited to this for themself, only? Hopefully the answer is yes…If so…make the commitment.

A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to allow myself to feel how I feel and be honest about it. Not to be rude or just blunt, but to be honest. I would first be honest with myself and God about my feelings. Then I would, prayerfully, be honest with others. This commitment has led to freedom in so many ways that I could not have imagined. After having a long conversation with my best friend about it, I have realized that this fear of rejection has often shaped the way that I view things. This leads to the next step…

A person must be willing to recognize that although they may feel a certain way about things, their reality isn’t a complete picture of what is really happening. There are other perspectives to take into account and understand. Sometimes, the feeling of rejection, that comes from someones actions, is just another person’s way of setting up a boundary. They aren’t attempting to reject you, they are just setting a boundary or dealing with things in their own way.

There are people like myself, who express everything. In some form or fashion, I have to express my feelings and thoughts. Yet, there are other people who sit and contemplate on things. They take time away to reflect on matters of importance. What might seem like a push away could really be that particular person’s way of saying, “I need some time to think on this.” That can be really hard to understand. We all want to talk on the phone, hang out, or spend time with people, but when someone decides that they cannot do those things because they need time to reflect, and don’t communicate that to us, it can feel like a world of rejection. So, it’s very important to understand that what may feel like rejection, may be something totally different.

Now if the rejection is real, we must ask ourselves why this person is rejecting us. Are they really saying, “no, I don’t want you?” If so, that’s their choice, but don’t take that to mean that something is wrong with you. This person may be dealing with so many things in their life that this is what’s best for you and them. If you are feeling rejected for this reason, make sure that you find and understand your worth. Affirm yourself!!! Let you know that you are worth more than gold. Tell yourself how great you are and what your best attritues are. Make sure that you understand that it’s not you who is missing out, it’s the other person. This may seem crazy, but if you don’t love you, who will, besides God? This is apart of the commitment that you made. It is to help yourself overcome. You have to see that you are truly worth it and be willing to say and prove it, to you!

Now, I want to reinerate the fact that I am not saying that a person cannot feel rejected. I am simply saying that whether or not they are truly rejected may or may not be the case. Whether it is the case or not, this person has to decide not to react in away that rejects the other person in return. This way of acting only causes a person to feel the same way that you do and besides the selfish reasons, who would want that? We must learn to love others the way that we want to be loved and not to react to them with the same treatment that we have recieved. I once heard someone say, “How you treat someone is not a reflection of their character, it’s a reflection of yours.” We don’t should not treat other people with the amount of respect that they deserve. Instead we should treat them with the amount of respect that we would want to be treated. We honor them because we honor ourselves and the Lord.

Over time rejection will become less of an issue as we learn to be committed to ourselves in our emotions and communication with others, see things from the right perspective, and remain a person of integrity. I, personally, know that this is a challenge, but it is worth it.