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Be Enough Me: Living Honestly

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Like This Tree I Too Will Be..

 

  • I am a woman
  • I am a mother
  • I am a daughter
  • I am a wife
  • I am a sister
  • I am a friend
  • I am a writer
  • I am a teacher
  • I am a Christian
  • I AM ENOUGH

That is what I am saying, but most of the times, I don’t feel like I am enough. I have to convince myself of this. Honestly…

Over the past year, when I started blogging, I have been confronted with an aspect of myself that I must have kept hidden for a long time…my humanity.

No, I’m not being funny, but as a woman Christian woman in today’s society, I am expected to be anything but human. My posture, tone, deeds, feelings, and appereance are suppose to be divine. In many ways this is impossible. Don’t get me wrong, I am becoming like Christ daily, but the pressure that I feel from the expectations, both inner and outwardly, make being a person impossible.

Yes that sounds crazy, but over the past year I have felt and dealt with some real emotions. I was afraid to express them. Even more than that, I was afraid to feel them. I stopped blogging because I wasn’t sure how to speak, let alone blog about my feelings.

I have decided that I am going to do something for myself. I am going to allow myself to feel. I am going to allow myself to live. I am going to allow myself to live honsetly. I will express my emotions in the best constructive way that I know how.

I am going to trust that I am as God sees me. I am enough, even when I feel weird.

I’m not going to try to be more than I am or omit what I am for the sake of thinking that it will make me more. I will be me…

That’s the honest truth.

Perhaps like Robin Far discusses in her post Finding Your Why, my word for this year should be honest.

 

Being Mom-Student…

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Some people may think that it is easy being a mother and a student. If you asked them what it would take to do it, they would tell you that all it would take is a little hard work and dedication. Well, I think know, it takes much more than that.

Have you ever tried to schedule time to read for an online class in the middle of the day when your children are wide awake? I have. Sure there are other times when getting the work is possible, but these are also normally times when a normal person would be sleeping like 3am.  How about getting up a little bit earlier to get the work done?  Well, in my house, my daughter wakes up most mornings at 7am, so I would have to get up a 5am and I probably wouldn’t get to sleep until after midnight.  For me that just isn’t the best thing.  I remember someone telling me something when I first had  my children.  “When the baby sleeps, you should do your best to get some sleep too.  Well, if this it isn’t that easy, what does it take to be a mom-student?

 

Patience

I’m a Mary Kay Independent beauty consultant, (that’s a mouth full) and while I was trying to do the readings for my class today, my daughter was screaming, my boys were arguing, and all I could think of was this picture that we for a campaign one year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes that’s how I felt, but I knew that I had to get my work done. This was going to require…patience

Resilience
It’s true that I should have my schedule worked out to the t. My kids should have activities to keep them busy, entertained, and active. Then I’ll be able to get my work done. The truth is, that sounds really nice, but this is summertime, my husband is in the field(military for not home), and I have tons of work to do for my home and for school. It feels like a mad house, except I’m not crazy. 🙂

So, I have to be able to bounce back in the midst of all of the chaos. It’s ok that she decided to scream for what felt like 20 minutes. I decided to put my school schedule on pause for a moment and get my kids some lunch, to sit and talk with them, and to take a minute to regroup.

Doing these things meant that I was off schedule, but that’s ok.

Drive
Although it seems like nothing is going the way that I had planned and I am behind in my school work, again, I am pushing forward to accomplish my goal.

I have to be driven by my desire to accomplish my goal. I have to press forward knowing that God will help me achieve it. I have to see myself doing what I desire. I dare to dream.

That drive is what keeps me pressing forward. No matter how hard it gets. I can’t give up. I have to know that it is worth it to press through than to throw in the towel.

That’s right I’m sucking it up and driving on!

So the next time that someone asks you what it takes to be a mom-student, you tell them that it takes patience,
resilience, and drive…

And I’ve got that!

 

Being Mom Blogs…

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When I wake up in the morning in Utah.  I still consider it to be a strange place.  Although I have lived here now for more than a couple of months, it still feels strange.  I haven’t exactly made friends and my life sometimes feels a little foreign.  These are the times when I really need to relate to someone else, another woman.  When I search for blogs that may allow me to connect with other women, I normally find ones that are so positive that they seem unreal.  I have been a mother for 10 years now and I know personally that everything isn’t always great.  No! They are not always horrible, but honestly it’s a wild roller coaster ride.

I originally started my blog with the intention of being honest about my life, but the more blogs I read by other mothers, the harder it became to be honest.  I really needed to do this, be honest.  Not for anyone else.  It was simply for me.  I was reading stories that sounded like the perfect pictures that accompanied their posts and I thought that my blog would stand out like a sore thumb in a way that I didn’t want it to.  I thought that I wouldn’t have any readers and that everyone would think that I was being extremely negative, when all I really wanted was an outlet to be honest and connect with other women like myself.

Well, that was a little over a year ago and now I need to blog more than ever.  My family’s life has changed in so many ways that sometimes its hard for all of us.  I normally enjoy writing and talking, but blogging is just different.  I know that my thoughts will be read and that someone may respond.  That is good for me because I want to converse about these things.  I just don’t always want to converse with my family, my mom, or  friends back home who just don’t understand.  I don’t want to post my every thought on Facebook for my mom and everyone else that I care about to see.  Yes, I know that my blog is public and that’s ok.  But the difference is that I’m not typing all of these things for the people that I know to read, I’m doing it for that same reason that a writer writes a book, because they have something to say and this is how they do it best.  This is a type of therapy for me and I know that other women feel the same.  So many blogs are created per day…blogging speaks for itself.

So, I have realized my needs and I have begun to look for blogs that are not overly negative, but that are realistic.  I want to read the stories of women like myself who don’t want to reveal all of their family problems, but who are not afraid of talking about somethings that are on their minds and in their hearts.  This morning I really needed this.  It was like being in group therapy.  Sometimes we as women, human beings, wives and mothers need to know that we are not alone.  I need to read, hear, or know, that I am not the only person dealing with anxiety in some areas of my life.  Yes, the Lord said that we should be anxious about anything, but as a human it’s hard and I strive to move past it, while I trust Him. I need to understand that I am not the only person dealing with relational issues with friends.  I need to grasp the fact that I’m not the only person that may not have a clean kitchen, right now.  I don’t want total negativity, but I do want realism.

I plan on cleaning my kitchen, making my relationships better, reading all of the books on my list, being the perfect mom and doing my best to be positive…but in the meantime, I’m going to give myself permission to feel and express what is really on my heart and mind.  If I don’t I may go crazy and nobody wants that. 🙂

So I have something to say to all of you moms out there that are being honest and still having integrity (allowing your family some privacy) on your blogs.  Thank you.  You help me accept myself as a woman.  You help me have the courage to be myself at all times.  You help me to see what reality is in my life.  You encourage me to be better as you strive to be better.  You encourage me not to fear the my emotions, but to realize that I feel them and find ways to deal with them.  You help me understand that no one is perfect.  Thank you so much for your courage, honesty, and the faith that you have in God to know that He will help you get through it all.

This is why I enjoy being a momblogger and reading other momblogs.

Until next time~


One Moment

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On a normal bases there is so much for a mother to do. There the cooking and the cleaning. The tending and the mending. There are always things that have to be done. It can get a little bit overwhelming at times and that’s the truth. Yet I am also reminded that there is another truth. God will never put more on me than I can bare. Yes times may get hard and we may struggle, stumble and fall. Do you know what we must remember? There is someone readily available with outstretched arms to pick us up at any time.

It is so hard sometimes to remember that we are not alone, but it’s true. We are not alone in anything. There isn’t anywhere that we can go away from the presence of God. Now I don’t say that to sound cliche. Instead I say that a recognized truth in my own life. I have been through some hard times. Afraid to discuss them I hid and felt alone, but He was there. He was always tugging on me to take a minute to come to Him. I was kind of afraid. I had been hurt by so many people that I didn’t want Him to hurt me too. What I needed to realize was that He would never hurt me. In spite of all that I had ever heard from another individual, God isn’t like that.

He cherishes me. I am special to Him. He says that I am the apple of His eye. Do you know what that does to the life of an individual that feels like everything is falling apart? If not, I’ll tell you. It give them hope. It says that someone cares and that is important. There were times when I felt so small and wanted to give up, but He just won’t let me quit. What a loving God! He always finds a way to encourage me.

Today I want to encourage you to stop and realize that you are loved. You are not alone. If you need anything ask the One who can provide it. He is faithful. I can’t even count how many times He has helped me. There have been so many times where He would just tell me that He loves me. I know you may be wondering what I mean. But in my heart I would hear the sound of the Lord telling me that He loves me. The great thing is that He has enough love to share. He loves you too!

Staying On Task?

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Making a schedule isn’t the easiest thing to do when you are a mother, wife, and a student.  There are just to many variables.  So, I sit down, plan it out, and start moving forward.  I may or may not do exactly what the schedule says, because of the potty dance interruptions and the requests for scissors and glue, but I do my best.

Today was my second day back at school and my professors have given me a lot to do.  I think they want to make sure that my every waking moment is filled with Literature and Language. I was up all night reading the syllabi and scheduling my tasks.  Well, I tried to anyway.  I was doing fine until about 2am when I could no longer function.  I found myself looking at the planner and paper wondering what to do next.  Finally, I went to bed.

This morning I knew I had school work so I did some house work before and my hair before I got started with my reading assignments.

A different hair style

Eventually,I sat down and began reading and although the story was very interesting, I was tired…so, I took a nap.  I did get a lot of work done, but I have other things that I need to do in order to make sure that my family is on task.  Thats the thing about being a mother.  Staying on task isn’t just about me.  Its about my whole family.  I’ll make it work.  I think I am going to try and apply a technique that I have been learning about.  I am going to put my big rocks in first.  That means that I am going to attack all of my important tasks first thing in the morning so that I have the energy  do them instead of waiting until later on in the day when I’m tired.  This should be very helpful.

Well, I’m off to the grocery store.